


How Do I Become Easier to Love

by acciowolfstar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-07-25 07:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7524634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acciowolfstar/pseuds/acciowolfstar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Excerpt:</b>  <i>“The craziest transition from 11 to 12, however, was realizing that he, Remus Lupin, the boy who already felt unloved, and unnecessary, was transgender.” /  “He was so lucky to have someone as accepting and caring as Sirius in his life, but it still seemed so hard to believe that someone loved him. Someone constantly had the name Remus Lupin on their mind and wanted to know how he was feeling. Someone wanted to make sure he felt safe and guarded his every move. Someone wanted to be able to call Remus Lupin their boyfriend, and to him, that was the hardest to believe.”</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	How Do I Become Easier to Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first “real” piece of fan fiction in over four years!! Even then, most of the stuff I wrote was premature bandom related prompts that never peaked over my middle school abilities. I know this is rough and probably not very interesting to most, but trans!Remus has played a huge role in my life the past two years or so and to be able to write it down and match it with one of my favorite pairings just brings nice feelings and happiness to myself oddly enough haha. I appreciate it so much if you actually read the entirety of this garbage post, and if you have any commentary/suggestions/critiques/etc. please message me!!!

Prologue (set 4 years earlier; an introduction)

Nothing seemed to flow smoothly in Remus Lupin’s life. Especially now. For some reason, the world was constantly shitting on the young boy. His romantic appeal and sexual appetite never received their invitation into his life and his “condition” didn’t help lessen the hell bent experience that was his Hogwarts career. 

 

When Remus neared the age of 11, more commonly known as the “coming of age” for universally all boys, you would have expected him to turn into a rabid, tween-frenzy boy. After all, everyone knows 11 years old is when lovely testosterone has a frat party in every nook and cranny of your body, creating gross bundles of unwanted hair, tightening your features, and fucking up your pubescent voice. Along with such treasures is the increased attraction to any girl you see and not to mention the ever so desirable urge to be a disgusting teenage prick. 

 

Remus experienced none of these nasty teenage boy symptoms. Testosterone took a calming to his inner linings while mother estrogen played her part with an Oscar demanding performance. His breast tissue grew, creating extremely unwanted lumps that sat on his chest. His hips widened and paved the path for an increase in jean sizes. His face softened and his voice remained light and calm to the listener. The craziest transition from 10 to 11, however, was realizing that he, Remus Lupin, the boy who already felt unloved, unwanted, and unnecessary, was transgender.

-

It had been raining on and off which unnerved Remus but he never understood why. Was it the indecisiveness of the atmosphere? Or perhaps he sought after constant patterns in his life and with changing weather that deemed it unlikely? Whatever it was, the small droplets of rain here and there twisted a knot in his stomach and left his hair unflatteringly damp.

 

A small puddle formed at the young boy’s feet from where he stood along the pathway off grounds, and as he glanced down he was forced to look upon his own reflection. He gazed over his features; his eyes were sunken in and his cheeks had never looked more drained. The usual glow that haloed his aura had faded into a dull shade of tiredness. 

 

“Who is that?” He believed he had kept his thoughts internal, but the response from another young boy behind him proved him wrong.

 

“That’s Remus Lupin of course!” Sirius came strutting down the cobble towards Remus.

 

“No I meant,” Remus started, but was cut off with a smirk and an aggressive wave of a hand. 

 

“Talking to yourself again Moons?” He saw Remus trying to interject, “Ahh! Honestly, why are you out here anyways? I’ve been looking for you; James has yet another brilliant prank and we need our _wonderful Moony_ to help with the experiment!” The second boy, while not as tall as the other, stood with importance and kept one hand behind his back whenever he spoke,

 

“Well?” He looked the first boy over,  
“Are you not just _bursting_ with excitement over this?” He stood on his tip-toes and swung his arms along his sides. 

“Christ, sorry, I neglected to show my happiness through facial expressions and forgot to flail my arms around in anticipation.” Remus finally spoke. It was obvious through both his tone and blank face that he was in no mood for James and Sirius’ shit. All that occupied his mind was the idea of going back to his bed and curling up into a ball and falling into an unconscious slumber so no one could talk or look at him. The idea of no clothing got his heart racing and his chest on a pathway to recovery; just the thought of taking his robes off meant he could fully inhale without the flood of paralyzing fear of expanding his chest even the slightest. He’d wrap himself in two or three blankets, not for the warmth, but so no passerby could make an outline of his body, and even himself couldn’t feel where limbs ended and covers began. 

 

“Earth to Moony?” Sirius chuckled at his pun but quickly subsided when he noticed Remus jolting back into reality. 

 

A frown crept on to the second boy’s face as he realized where Remus’ mind had trailed off to. The space between them turned into awkward silence that pained Sirius. He played with his thumbs as a he thought of a way to comfort his friend. Meaningless quotes buzzed in his brain; _“Hey be happy!!!” “Hey we love you!” “It won’t always feel this way!!!”._

 

“I’m here for you.” He settled with the usual, seeing as nothing ever helped sooth Moony, especially during this time of the month,

 

“You don’t have to say anything, just, please know that.” He shrugged and placed his hand on his crown, scratching behind his ear even though he felt no itching desire. 

 

“Thanks, Padfoot.” Remus titled his head down to look into the second boy’s eyes. He smiled what seemed to be a forced curve of the lips, but as long as Sirius was around, it almost came naturally to him.

 

“I can tell James to bugger off and I’ll spend the evening in with you.” 

 

“You make it sound like a chore.”

 

“You’re turning my words into self-pity, Moony. I love you, but honestly, please believe in yourself and believe in us. Besides, James has probably gotten detention by now and I’ve been glued to his hip all day. I miss you and want to spend the time with you.” 

 

There wasn’t much Remus could say to that. It was true, after all. He was so lucky to have someone as accepting and caring as Sirius in his life, but it still seemed so hard to believe that someone _loved_ him. Someone constantly had the name Remus Lupin on their mind and wanted to know how he was feeling. Someone wanted to make sure he felt safe and guarded his every move. Someone wanted to be able to call Remus Lupin their boyfriend, and to him, that was the hardest to believe.

-

The common room was bare considering the clock was crawling near dinner time, but neither of the two boys felt hungry; the only appetite shared between them was the desire to feel each other.  
Remus watched as Sirius crawled slowly up the stairs to their quarters. His small behind, and thin legs, and the back of his head, and the nape of his neck,-

 

“Are you coming?” Sirius’ voice interrupted Remus’ observations. The smaller boy smirked before he quickly turned around and ran into his bed. Remus ran quickly up the stairs, brushing his hands against the wall and nearly barging into the quarters to find an already half-dressed Sirius posed on his own bed. He laid on his side with his chest exposed; his right hand propped up his head with his elbow buried in the pillow while his other arm rested on his hips. Remus noticed the other boy’s index finger playing with the elastic on his underwear that were peeking through his trousers. 

Remus crawled under the sheets, finally making contact with Sirius. As soon as the other boy felt Remus’ arms tangle with his, his heart began to flutter and that wonderful feeling filled his stomach. It was like watching flowers unearth form the dampened ground and butterflies doing cartwheels in the air until they gracefully landed on a petal of their liking. Everything felt right when their skin met, as if they were two lost puzzle pieces finally found and now able to complete the puzzle. 

 

Sirius nuzzled his forehead into the nape of Remus’ neck and pulled at the collar of his jumper with his own teeth. His fingers trailed down Remus’ chest until he arrived at the bottom seams. His fingers inched underneath, but the taller boy swatted his hand away.

 

“I’m sorry, I just-” He began, but Sirius’ face was already flooded with embarrassment and regret,

 

“No, I’m sorry Moony.”

 

There was silence. And it wasn’t the good kind. 

 

“I just, wish it were easier. Like, how do I become easier to love without sacrificing happiness and,” Remus faded out in speech. 

 

Sirius looked down at their feet; they had been wrapped around each other as soon as they jumped into bed. He rubbed his feet against Remus’ and felt as Remus reciprocated. He continued to look down as he spoke up again,

 

“I know why and I understand and I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m pushing your boundaries. But I want you to know that you are my boyfriend. Not half, or trying, or pretending. You’re my fucking boyfriend and I know you don’t see yourself as such but I love you so much and God I can’t form words when you’re in my presence because nothing I say will ever amount to how wonderful, and beautiful, and- “ 

 

He was cut off when Remus lifted his chin to press his lips against Sirius’. The butterflies were back but it’s as if they were painted more brightly and they flew higher and lived longer. A surge of tingles flooded both boys’ bodies as they interlocked their limbs and continued to feel their lips against each other’s.  
They eventually broke and turned to their backs, but stayed hand in hand. 

 

“There’s nothing you need to do.” Sirius spoke.

 

“What?” Remus turned to his side, watching Sirius speak to the ceiling. 

 

“I mean, to make loving you easier. Because I already do.” 

 

“I love you too Padfoot.” 

 

Sirius placed his head on Remus’ chest and began to doze off, still rubbing his toes against the other boy’s feet until he began to doze off.


End file.
